I’ve written this a couple times already and am now going to try a third time. The first one was super emotional. The second way too long and so full of details. This third try I’ll hopefully find the right mix and not have it be so long (okay it ended up being really long, and I don’t blame most people for not reading this because it’s so long – but there are wonderful sweet photos of Enzo at the end so scroll down to see those).
The past few days have been really awful and so hard. We put our beloved Enzo to sleep at about 5:35 p.m. on Friday evening. It happened so suddenly and little Enzo was still his complete self and a happy dog and almost completely healthy. I’ve cried so much over the past four days, and Jody has cried, and we’ve both been walking around not sure what to do with ourselves and missing our Enzo so incredibly much. Our home seems so lonely and the whole world seems a little empty without him here, and there’s such a void in our lives without his happy little face smiling up at us and his tail happily thumping everything around him.
I’ll try to keep the details short and succinct because I’ve been so tormented by his death that I’m trying to not think of those hours and instead focus on just missing Enzo as he always was. And first I’ll write more about little Enzo and his story.
Enzo just turned 13 years old, and he was a perfect mutt of a border collie/shepherd mix. Jody adopted Enzo as a puppy near Christmas time and brought him to live with himself and his new big brother, Ferdinand, who was 9 months older than Enzo. Jody has a few photos of Enzo as a puppy and he was so beyond cute, so kissably adorable in every possible puppy way! He even had a cute little green sweater that he wore that first Christmas!! Here are two that he took photos of and emailed me way back when we first started dating (we have the original prints here but I haven’t learned how to use our scanner) ::
I love how Ferd is being the protective big brother in that first photo! Enzo has always been the baby and in particularly, Jody’s baby, which is just one reason why this is so extra hard on Jody. When I first met Enzo almost three years ago, he still had that sweet puppy-like innocence and joy and that made him even so much more lovable. I can’t write much about Enzo’s first ten years other than little stories Jody may have told me, so I’ll start then a little under three years ago when Enzo came into my life. I met Ferdinand and Enzo when I went to visit Jody for the first time in December of 2006, and I loved that each time I saw them after that they always remembered me and got excited and I so loved seeing them. In July of 2007, Jody drove from Vancouver to Chicago to see me and brought them with, so they got to see a bit of Chicago and go to my parents’ cottage in Michigan and go swimming! All my pre-June 2008 photos are on my old PC and its external hard drive, so I do plan to make a whole slideshow at some point of all the time I knew Enzo, but right now I have just June 2008 and beyond photos on here (except for the puppy photos above of course). In March of 2008 we all moved in together and I was officially Ferdinand and Enzo’s mommy (and Jody was officially James and Emma’s (our cats) daddy), so I had the last wonderful year and a half of living with and taking care of little Enzo – feeding him, letting him outside, greeting him every morning, taking him out, giving him his medicine, giving him loving and cuddling, and throwing his ball for him – I loved every bit (except maybe seeing him eat poop, but I’d give anything right now to see him eating gross poo).
So Enzo just turned 13, but he’s a mutt and mutts tend to live longer, and he was pretty much completely healthy except for some arthritis that had gotten bad in the past few months – he had a hard time standing up sometimes and walking up and down stairs, but we’d just started him on a glucosamine mixture and it was definitely making him feel better. And we just had him groomed a week an a half ago in preparation for my parents coming and cold weather coming soon, and he was so fuzzy and soft and cute and like I said before, still seemed like a puppy in many ways.
Last Tuesday night I noticed him walking weird, with one of his back legs falling inwards and him being really unsteady. I sat with him and cuddled and also had him walk a little to see if he’d walk it off or if it was something I should be worried about. On Wednesday his walking was fine again but I noticed he was urinating many times each time I let him out, up to seven or eight times. On Thursday morning he was still peeing many times and sometimes little drops would come out. On Thursday afternoon Jody and I ran some errands and when we came home Enzo went out and for the next couple hours stayed mostly outside and was pacing around and just trying to go to the bathroom. He’d had some diarrhea in the morning and he looked like he was trying to poop so we thought he was either constipated or had diarrhea but wasn’t able to get it out. I stayed outside with him most of the time and tried to comfort him, and we took some video of his behavior to show the vet (we had an appointment the next morning).
Eventually I called the vet and they let us bring him in before closing, which I’m so incredibly grateful that they did. We found out then that he wasn’t trying to poop but to go pee, and he wasn’t able to get more than a couple drops out but his bladder was completely full. The vet did an x-ray and didn’t see any stones blocking his bladder, and he put a catheter in to drain his bladder and kept him overnight. The next morning the vet called and told us there were two possible causes – a tumor or a compression of his spine which was cutting off nerves he needed to urinate. Neither were good, but I focused first on finding out what it was so we ordered blood work and an ultrasound.
We went to visit with Enzo at noon on Friday, as soon as we walked back to his cage his tail started thumping away and he was so happy to see us. I was also happy to see that they had him in a bottom cage with a thick sleeping bag covering the metal so he seemed to be as comfortable as possible. We took him outside to a grassy patch in the shade and spent a lot of time there with him, we brought his ball and he chased that a little, we brought treats and he absolutely loved those, and we cuddled with him when he wanted to lay down. We brought a camera and video camera and took lots of photos and videos of Enzo and of each of us with him. He was so himself, so alive, so happy, so everything we love. That time meant so much to us but also tortures me because he was so alive and healthy and active.
Later in the afternoon we heard back from the vet and Enzo’s bloodwork had come back perfect, he didn’t have a tumor and seemed to be a perfectly healthy dog other than not being able to urinate. The doctor told us he had some definite degeneration of his spine, and it was almost certain that the cause was compression of the spine. The only way to know for certain would be to send him to Calgary or Saskatoon for an MRI and then the option was surgery, only he told us the chances of it working was so small and the risks during surgery, of death or paralysis, were significant. So our baby was mostly healthy except he couldn’t live without being able to urinate, and there was little chance of being able to fix that. So we had to make the absolutely horrendous decision to put him to sleep. This still haunts me, that Enzo was so alive and completely himself. I feel so much guilt mixed in with my heartache, and I can’t get it out of my mind.
We went back to the vet that evening and brought Enzo outside again for awhile. His bladder obviously hadn’t been drained for awhile because he was very distracted and kept trying to go pee. He caught his ball a couple times in between, and he would still come running for treats which made us both laugh and cry. Eventually it was time and Jody said goodbye to Enzo outside, I think it was one of the hardest things he’s had to go through, ever. I went inside with Enzo and stayed with him when the doctor came in and put him to sleep. I’m so happy I was in there for Enzo (so he could lick my face and hands and know I was there and not feel alone) and for Jody (so I could tell him it went smoothly and peacefully), and I’m partly grateful for myself because those last kisses mean so much to me, but it was also so hard and those moments and last image won’t leave my mind.
Jody and I have been having a really really really really really hard time with this, Enzo was one of the best dogs I’ve ever met or known in my life. He was always happy, always ready for cuddling and rubs and giving kisses, always happy about everything (except maybe for riding in the car but he dealt with it so bravely and was always so happy to get out afterward). He had the sweetest nature ever, I never saw him in a bad mood or get mad or mean or anything of the sort. Jody has some really sweet stories of Enzo being incredible with children, and there’s the sweetest photo of Jody’s little niece reading a storybook to Enzo and Enzo just laying there looking so interested in what she was showing and telling to him (I just went back in my email and found this photo so it’s now after this paragraph, it’s so sweet). He was also so silly and made us laugh all the time, he’d get so excited about things and his expressions were just so incredibly cute and often silly, and no matter what bad was going on in life he could always make it better. He LOVED his ball! He loved to have it kicked outside for him over and over and over again, and it was also his baby – he’d carry it around the house and if it rolled under or behind something he’d stare at it and whimper to let us know, and when I’d let them outside he’d often take longer cause he’d go find his ball to carry outside with him. He would also get really playful in the evenings and try to play with Ferdinand and run all around, it was so cute! He did two bad things – he liked to dig in our trash outside and to eat dried poo in the yard (so yucky!!) – but he’d come running inside with such a happy face and so proud of himself for coming in when I called that I couldn’t stay mad at him. Oh, and he had this adorable habit – whenever he’d take a poo he would always face the door and stare right at me if he could see me, or right at the door and I swear he knew I was watching him, and his little expression was so lovable and adorable. He loved licking people and especially loved licking his daddy’s face, and he had only one kind of lick – the big, wet lick! And he loved his bum scratches and would get so happy and arch his back and dance around a little and so happily pant his happy pant! And he was so silly that sometimes when he’d lie down it would be accompanied by a big grunt that was so funny. Oh and how could I forget his tail! One of the nicknames Jody gave him was “Thumpers” because of his tail – he was always wagging his tail and it would thump against anything around him and make the big “thump, thump, thump” noise. 
I so miss hearing his tail thumping each morning on the floor when I’d come downstairs – thump thump thump thump thump as I walked down and over to him and rubbed his belly.
I could go on and on, there were so many wonderful little things about Enzo. And I know I’m forgetting things, little things about him that I loved and that made him so wonderful, and I’ll add them in when I remember. I feel such pressure to make this post perfect, to do justice to how wonderful Enzo was and how much he was loved. All the wonderful things about him and his perfect personality added up to the sweetest, happiest, most wonderful dog. Our house seems so so so empty without him, and there’s such a lack of joy without him around. I miss every little thing about him so much, I miss him so incredibly much. And I keep seeing him how he was those last days – so alive and full of life – and it’s so so so unfair that he’s not here with us right now.
Jody told me last night that Enzo was singularly responsible for much of the joy in his life for those 13 years that they were together – Enzo was definitely a little angel of love and joy. My heart hurts so much from missing him, and today I’m not crying as much but he’s on my mind almost constantly and I’m just so so so sad. We are giving lots of extra love and attention to Ferdinand to make this as easy as possible on him, and we’re just taking it one day at a time. But nothing can take away the sadness and void we feel at losing Enzo.
To little Enzo:
You are so special, you made my life so much better for the past three years because of knowing and loving you, and I miss you SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO much. I want you back, I want you here with me, I want to see your sweet face and all your little expressions, I want to rub your soft furry head and give you belly rubs and bum scratches. I’m not ready for you to be gone and I’m so so so so so sorry that we had this happen when you were so alive and couldn’t have known what we were doing. I love you and miss you so beyond what I can put into words. I wish with all my heart that were here right now. Your daddy feels the same and I’m sure much more, he misses you incredibly. And so does your brother. I love you so much and always will. You will never ever ever be forgotten, and we’ll be keeping your ball safe for you here.
Love, your doggymama
Here are some photos of Enzo from the past year plus, just to try to show in pictures some of his adorableness and sweetness and happiness. And for anyone who actually read this whole thing, thank you, I know I can be super wordy but I don’t see how I can not be wordy with this. And thank you to our families and friends who have been so kind and understanding and caring during this time. And finally, for everyone with pets, give them extra love and hugs and kisses and cuddles tonight, I would do anything right now to go back and give Enzo extra cuddles and love right now and I wish I had given him that bit of extra love every single day I knew him.
We love you so much, our sweet little happy silly wonderful perfect Enzo.
This is now one of my new favorite photos. I took it on Sept. 20th, less than five days before we lost Enzo, and it so demonstrates the sweet relationship between Jody and Enzo. Jody always called Enzo his “little buddy” and Enzo loved it and loved getting attention from his daddy!
My mom took this photo of Enzo and I on the same night as the last photo. Enzo was more interested in the food Jody was eating but I grabbed tight for a photo and I’m so glad she took one of us together.
The next three are little Enzo out in our backyard on Sept. 19th. My dad and I were throwing his beloved ball for him, so the first one he’s looking at my dad, the second one he’s staring at the ball on ground (that’s his ball stare, waiting for us to kick to it for him!), and the third he was taking a little rest.
September 18 – this is Enzo’s focus-on-the-food face, where he closely watched the food as it went from plate to mouth, hoping some would come his way. I love how he raised his little cheeks when he did this look!
September 2nd – Jody and my one-year anniversary of being married. We were at our friends’ (Joe & Tammy) cottage and Tammy was taking some photos of us, and I love that both Ferdinand and Enzo are looking at the camera in this one!
Little Enzo at the cottage getting a drink, he’s so cute!!! I loved this look when he’d turn and look at me almost out of the corner of his eye!
Enzo at the cottage being adorable!
Enzo at the cottage knowing his mommy was taking photos of him and giving me his uncertain “what are you doing come pet me” look.
Ferd and Enzo at the same cottage with us in mid-July.
Out in our backyard in July enjoying the grass and warm weather, I love his happy little look here so much!
More fun modeling for his mom!
This one’s a little out of order cause it was from last year summer, but I love it so much and it makes me smile every time I look at it so I wanted it to come up sooner.
In late April when the snow was finally melting and I took Enzo and Ferd out to the park for a walk. I love how he always looked up me with his sweet little face.
The next two are from mid-April at the dog park, they were so happy! And I always absolutely LOVED when Enzo got so happy to roll around on the grass, he’s so beyond cute!
This photo is a little out of focus but I don’t care one bit, I so love seeing Jody with his babies and Enzo’s so-happy expression! This was early April when we took them to the dog park, our first time of the year when it started not being so so so cold.
In February or March, me being photo mommy again and taking silly photos of my babies! I love his furry little paws in this one, I love those paws so much.
Enzo at Christmas, watching his daddy eat popcorn and hoping for some popcorn to be thrown his way.
The next four are from November 2008, when we had pretty snow but it wasn’t so terribly cold yet. Ferd and Enzo had so much fun playing around in it, and playing with each other and chasing each other, they had me laughing so much I remember.
Fall of 2008, we had a thunderstorm and Enzo didn’t like thunder at first (he got used to it after a few months) and would shiver and try to hide under me or Jody, so I covered him with a blanket one time and sat next to him cuddling and he stayed there and seemed to like it, and he looked so adorable that I couldn’t NOT take his photo!
The next two are from September of 2008, when Jody and I took the babies to a dog park and had fun walking all over. I couldn’t find the originals on my hard drives so I hope they’re there somewhere, I took these off one of my first blog posts. I remember we first had them on leash before entering the dog part of the park, and I always loved how they’d trot right next to each other when on their leashes, it was so cute.
Early September 2008, when Jody’s mom and step-dad came to visit. This is so quintessential Enzo with his ball, staring at it to let you know he wanted you to kick it and in his ready-to-chase stance, I love this photo so much.
The final two are from June 2008, some of my first photos with my at the time new Canon. I always loved taking photos of Enzo cause he’s just so darn cute and animated and expressive, and I love these two so much.
Ferd and Enzo in April 2007, I found this one when I was going through old emails. Jody would get them both to sit right next to each other, then I’d get ready and then he’d say something to make both of their ears go up at the same time! I love this sweet photo of the two of them together.
I miss you so much, sweet little Enzo. I’m so happy we have these and many more photos, and some video, and I love looking at them but they also make me miss you more. Your daddy and Ferdinand are really sad, too. We’ll think about you every day. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
by Rebecca Whitney
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